GOODBYE 2014, HELLO 2015

It's finally 2015, and I can honestly say that I feel such relief being able to say that. A new year, new me, new experiences, I am very ready to throw old me and 2014 out the window. To say that it's been a hard year is an understatement and a half. 

I should focus on the positives first, because my chatty posts tend to lean towards the negative side of things. I myself tend to do that also, and I would like to at least try changing that. This year, I learnt a lot about myself that I wouldn't have if my year had actually gone well. I really dislike when people preach stuff like that, because I find it slightly dishonest. In my experiences it's very hard to see a silver lining or to acknowledge that something good has come out of it, when you've been in a bad situation. I don't know if I'm wording this correctly, and I hope someone understands where I'm coming from. Don't say things just to be a role model when it's probably hypocritical. 

Anyway, let's get back on track. I've learnt that I do have my limits, even if I'm not willing to admit it to anyone but myself, a councillor, and my blog. I fancy myself Wonder Woman (but I prefer Marvel), and so it's very difficult when I've been running through this obstacle course to be faced with a wall. This is a wall that I can't get passed, and it sucks, but I had to turn around and find a different way through the obstacle course. 

Even as I talk about this wall I wish it wasn't there, I don't like having these limits to what I can and can't put myself through (particularly mentally, emotionally). I used to be that person who would do anything, no matter how emotionally or mentally straining it is, because I was strong enough to do so. I know that having limits is a good thing, and I know it's a good thing because it lets me know where I stand and I see my weaknesses, but damn it. Annoying, much?

I didn't learn about just my weaknesses, though, I learnt about my strengths as well. I'm learning how to be more honest with myself and others, and I'm finding myself. I thought I had my identity sorted out pretty well, but there's still so much else for me to do and learn before I can say that and make it 100% true.

I'm also a little glad that I pushed myself that bit too far this year, because I can finally put away the Go Go boots and cape, and relax. I'm mentally exhausted, and have only just started to gather up the pieces. Anxiety and depression really fuck you over, and they did more than stand in my way like a wall. I'm so very done with the trials of 2014, and so very ready to embrace 2015 hoping that I'll get myself back on track. I know that anxiety and depression won't ever leave me alone completely (those little shits), but I'm hoping they'll at least keep their distance. Honestly, personal space. 

I have a lot of goals in life, particularly in 2015. I know that most people write them down or maybe share them with others, but I feel like if I do that I'll never complete them. When I don't get something done, I tend to go in a downward spiral and I often find myself in a rut. I'm a driven person, but if there's a pot hole in the road you can sure as hell bet I'm just gonna set up camp near my car and I won't bother calling for someone to come help. 

So, the only goal or resolution I'm giving myself is to try. There are a lot of meanings behind this word, a lot of things that come to mind when I tell myself to just try. I don't know how I'd ever get them all down on paper or online, and maybe I will, but right now I only want to promise myself that I'll try. Specifically, try new things and try to make things better. I know that I can do almost anything if I put my mind to it (except sports, fuck sports), but I don't know if I ever want to be Wonder Woman again. It's never what I was supposed to be doing with my life, despite what 2014 Jesse thought, but who knows? Maybe 2015 Jesse will be able to pull off the cape and boots, or at least the cute head piece.