TAKING A BREAK

My dearest blog, 

I never thought I'd be saying this. I thought we'd grow old together and always be a part of something wonderful, you know? But life goes on, sometimes things you never expected get in the way of what you, what we want. I should say now, before I get into everything, that I love you. I truly do. You were there for me when I felt alone, you picked up the pieces when I felt broken, you helped me sort out my life when some of those pieces were still lost. 

This is difficult for me to say, but we need to take a break. Well, I'm the one who needs a break. It's not you, it's me. I hate to be so cliché, but that's the only explanation I've got. I doubt that's a surprise to you, my beautiful blog, right? You know me better than I know myself, that sometimes I struggle with words. I struggle when it really counts, and have let you down. I am so sorry, but it's been a long time coming. 

When I say a long time coming, I been it's only been a week or two coming, but still. You get my point, right, Gypsies & Pixies? Life has gotten pretty crazy right now (I know that sounds like a line, but I promise it isn't) and I don't think I've got time to focus on you. I have school, a life to get on with, and all those pieces that I need to put back together. You taught me that, to get on with it and try my hardest at everything. Well, this is just something I have to do. 

Please, don't worry. I'll be back soon. I love you too much to stay away for more than a week or so, and I'll still be around. It's not like I just up and left one night without so much as a note, because if I ever put you through that I would hate myself. I just don't think I can be with you all the time anymore. We were together so often that I forgot who I was, I forgot that I still had a life outside of us, that this heavy summer romance would have to end. 

When I come back to you, my darling blog, I don't expect you to forgive me instantly. But just know that when I come back I'll be with you 100%. I'm in this for the long run, and who knows? Maybe after our little break, something bigger and better will begin. 

~~~

Readers, 

That last line? Foreshadowing at it's finest. You'll have to wait and see, but there are a few exciting projects in the works that I'm very excited to share with you! Anyway, this break isn't permanent or anything. I've barely posted in the last week or two, and as much as I've been trying to just sit down and write, the muse isn't speaking to me. So, I'm taking a break. Only a small one, as I mentioned in that awesome (in my entirely biased opinion) letter. 

I appreciate each and every one of you so much; whenever I see a new comment I get giddy with excitement. It's not pretty, I giggle and squeal like a little girl. Hella embarrassing, but that's just how great connecting with readers makes me feel. I do love each and every one of you, but I've kind of fallen out of love with blogging. Don't worry, I'm working on getting that muse again, and I'm sure I'll be back better than ever real soon. Thank you x 

ESCAPING THE FRIEND ZONE

I'm probably going to regret posting this. I wrote it almost two years ago, when I first started my blog and wasn't very good at getting my own opinions or thoughts across. Anyway, this post has been moping around in my drafts folder for such a long time that I just couldn't stand seeing its sad face all the time. I, personally, don't believe in the idea of the friend zone, and think it's absolutely stupid. However, I wanted to get this post up before I did a video on my honest opinions about the friend zone. I hope I managed to make this post half decent in the long overdue editing process, and I hope I helped someone. I don't really know. 

☆What is the "Friend Zone"?☆

Before the internet made up a new trendy name, it was just called seeing a friend as something more when they don't reciprocate your feelings. Now that I think about it, friend zone is so much easier to say. But that's basically what it is; you have a good friend, but you like this person. This person, however, doesn't feel the same way and only views you as a close friend. Most of the time, your crush won't know about your feelings. This is a blessing and a curse.

☆Why does it happen?☆

I honestly don't know why it occurs, there are myriad different reasons. It could be because you projected too much of a friendship attitude and the other person took it at face value. Sometimes being a little bit coy with your feelings doesn't always play out the way you wanted it to, and you just have to deal with it. Maybe the other person simply feels better being friends, and doesn't want to move on from that. There are five words that really stand out, however. Five words that no one wants to hear, but we all know these words need to be said. THEY JUST DON'T LIKE YOU. Ouch.  

An important thing to remember: if you guys don't have much chemistry, then there's almost no escaping the friend zone. You might like each other, but without chemistry, it's a no-mans land.

☆How do you know if you're friend zoned?☆

A big give away is (if you're a girl) if the guy calls you "bro", "man", or "dude". This signifies that he sees you as one of the guys, or more of a sister than a girlfriend. It's the same if you're a guy and a girl calls you "gurl" and stuff like that. This isn't a definite indicator, but it's something you should keep your eyes and ears open for. A more solid tip I can give you is that if they say you're just like a brother/sister to them, you're in the friend zone.

When the other person is completely comfortable around you. If a girl talks about her period, if a guy says "oh I'm just gonna take a shit", it means that they just don't mind. This is a good thing, because they're comfortable being themselves or completely gross around you. But if they liked you, this person would probably be a bit more reluctant to be gross around you. Another part of being comfortable is dressing extremely casually. And I mean wearing something that hasn't been washed in ages, no makeup, and all that jazz. 

When said person you have feelings for talks about other guys/girls with you. Yay. This is one of the biggest hints that this person is interested in someone else, rather than yourself. It sucks, but it is what it is.

This one is pretty damn obvious, but if they try to set you up with other people, honey - you're friend. zoned. Maybe take this opportunity to meet new people, or gauge how much they're invested in your person. Also, this can be the perfect time to make the other person just a little jealous.

The friend zoner (yeah, that makes sense…) might act differently around you compared to others. I can't tell you how they'll act, I don't know the people in this theoretical scenario, but you're a better judge of character than me when it comes to your friends. Are they acting differently around you? Treating you with a more casual 'just friends' attitude? Not giving as much to your friendship or future-relationship as they would someone else's? 

☆Can you escape it?☆

Maybe. You've got to really believe this relationship can work, you've got to be open to rejection, basically open to all possibilities. It's all about subtlety and not being a whiny little shit. Slowly moving yourself out of the friend zone is a lot easier than jumping right in and expressing your feelings. If you're extremely confident and comfortable, then I guess jumping in right away could work for you. Confidence is key, friends. It'll make this situation a helluva lot easier.

Don't be so available. What I mean by this is you've basically got to take a step back from the friendship. I don't mean completely cut them out or be mean, but if they have a chance to miss you, it could open their eyes. You don't have to always agree to do something with them, you don't have to hang out with them during classes, you don't have to text them back right away. People always want something more when they can't have it, and that's what could happen if you step back a little.

Spark a little jealousy. Personally, whenever one of my good friends try to do this they fail miserably. This method doesn't have to be extreme! It can be as simple as having a good, strong relationship with someone of the opposite sex. Maybe mention going on a date or two, just don't get too carried away! You don't even have to go on a date, just go out with some other good friends (guys or girls) and briefly mention it. Now that I think of it, 'jealousy' is too harsh a word to use in this instance, we're merely letting the other person know that we're available.

Change something about yourself. Be careful with this! What I mean is do something little that might catch their attention. Learn a sport or the piano, get a new hairstyle or a new outfit. Do something you've always wanted to do and become a more dynamic or different you. If the person you like is your friend, then they'll notice something different about you and you become 1000 times more interesting. Not that you weren't interesting before, but it's like a challenge or a mystery. Both girls and guys love it. Again, be careful with changing something about yourself. Skip this step if you want to, if not, make it a small change that you want. Don't do this just to get a girl or guy's attention. That's silly. 

Be confident. Have a sense of boldness, know what you're doing. Be you. The other person will respect and like you for who you are without all the charades. It's a well known fact that men and women are more likely to be attracted to someone if they're confident in their own skin. However, there is a line, so try not to be a douche bag. Just be yourself, and things will work out how they're supposed to. 

Go for it. Simple, direct, but oh so difficult. If you have a good understanding of the other person's feelings for you, or just feel like you have to do something; tell them how you feel. Don't be too forceful or OTT, just be honest. Hopefully, they'll feel the same way and you won't need to worry too much anymore. If they tell you it's best to remain friends, then you can break their nose. I'm kidding, it's best not to resort to physical harm, just do whatever is best for you. Not them, not anyone else, not even the friendship if you feel that strongly, but for you.

☆If you can't escape the friend zone, how do you get over this girl/guy?☆

This is a whole other topic in itself, but I'll try to make it as brief as possible. Getting over someone who has friend zoned you is easier than getting over any other person, but at the same time it's harder. It's easier because you know that this probably (hopefully) won't jeopardise your friendship and it's comforting that you guys have the potential to be close again. Also, they don't like you. Stop fantasising about them and get over them. It's harder because you guys were so close and when you wanted to get even closer, you were pushed away. 

I will write a post about getting over someone, but for the mean time I will say this: once you get over this girl/guy, everything will be a lot easier. Any awkwardness on your part will float away, and a weight off your shoulders will lift. To get to this happy point, however, things are going to take time. That's the biggest factor in relationships or crushes; timing, buuut timing's a bitch. Some people are easier to get over than others, and other times it feels like you've been punched in the gut. 

Try taking some time away from this person and the friendship, as long as you need. The hiatus will do you both good and will hopefully either solidify the friendship, or dissipate it if you guys feel that's best.  Who knows, maybe the time away from each other will make that person realise their feelings for you!

Honestly, it's all about timing. Don't force yourself to get over someone by jumping into different relationships that you're not invested in. Don't be that idiot who tries to make their crush jealous by falling over someone else, it's not attractive. Just be patient, and I promise things will work out. If they don't, feel free to resort to the physical harm I mentioned before and break my nose.

HAPPY THOUGHTS

I didn't make any New Years Resolutions for 2015 because I always break them. Always. I feel like they're not a good enough way or reason to improve or better yourself. Instead, I scoured the internet for ways to make your life a little better and for ways to stay a bit happier. I'm not a very happy person, and often find myself spiralling into little bouts of terrible anxiety or mild depression (ugh, and I promised myself this would be a happy blogpost), so I really wanted to change that in 2015. So far, I think I'm doing a pretty good job. 

The main thing I want to focus on is being happier. I always let little things get to me and find it very difficult to get ahold of my negative thoughts and emotions. I found a Youtuber named Savannah Brown and her video, Happy Hacks #1. She suggested finding any ol' jar and every day putting a folded piece of paper in the jar (I always make sure to put the date on said paper). On this piece of paper I like to write anything good that happened that day. Maybe it's something I did that helped someone else, or a little thing that might seem insignificant but actually made me incredibly happy. 

It sounds a little bit silly and weird, and also lame, but I swear it's helped. I'm able to better focus on the little things that make me happy, rather than the little things that make me anxious or sad. January hasn't even ended yet, but I already feel that 2015 is going to be a better, happier year. 2014 absolutely sucked, so it's not going to be that hard to beat. I hope everyone has a very happy 2015 and tries to make the most of their year, just as I try to make the most of mine. 

SOMEDAY, SOMEDAY, MAYBE BY LAUREN GRAHAM

Franny Banks is a struggling actress in New York City, with just six months left of the three year deadline she gave herself to succeed. But so far, all she has to show for her efforts is a single line in an ad for ugly Christmas sweaters and a degrading waitressing job. She lives in Brooklyn with two roommates-Jane, her best friend from college, and Dan, a sci-fi writer, who is very definitely not boyfriend material-and is struggling with her feelings for a suspiciously charming guy in her acting class, all while trying to find a hair product cocktail that actually works.

Meanwhile, she dreams of doing "important" work, but only ever seems to get auditions for dishwashing liquid and peanut butter commercials. It's hard to tell if she'll run out of time or money first, but either way, failure would mean facing the fact that she has absolutely no skills to make it in the real world. Her father wants her to come home and teach, her agent won't call her back, and her classmate Penelope, who seems supportive, might just turn out to be her toughest competition yet.

Behold, the abuser of the comma! Lauren Graham, do, avoid, overusing, this, please, it got a bit, annoying. Okay, I'm kidding! There were a few too many commas for my taste, but that's more of a pet hate of mine than actual criticism of Lauren's relatively new book. 

I have always been a fan of Lauren Graham, so be forewarned that I am a little bit biased. However, I'm being 100% honest when I say that I fucking loved this book! The clever dialogue, the wit, the pacing, the little diary (Filofax) entries and doodles, all of it was absolutely top notch. That's a really weird phrase, top notch, and I hope to never use it again. 

Someday, Someday, Maybe feels like a warm hug from a talented and hilariously awkward friend. On every page our protagonist, Franny, would show off her wit or her shyer, more awkward side, and I'd fall in heterosexual friendship love all over again. This world of Franny's (and Lauren's) is very new to me, so I wasn't really sure what to expect. I've not grown up around acting and film, and I keep my recitations of Shakespeare to my bedroom. 

Despite me not understanding anything in the world of acting, the only words I can use to describe this book are authentic, real, relatable, honest (that's an inside joke if you've read the book, btw). Genuinely, though, I adore this book. Lauren Graham wrote these characters and this story in a way that made the whole thing totally believable, and I found it very easy to slip into Franny's shoes. 

Although this is Lauren Graham's debut novel, I didn't get a very big 'newbie' vibe from the book, which is rare because I'm usually the first book snob to be like "Well, you can so tell it's the author's first book." It was surprisingly well written, and I learnt far more about life and myself than I ever expected to from a book about an aspiring actress in New York. 

I loved Franny's relationships with the people around her, particularly her dad (their relationship reminds me a little of mine and my dad's) and her roommates. Dan is kind of a love interest towards the end–we know they're made for each other–but throughout the book we see more of a certain very attractive actor. I really didn't like him, he's a total douche bag and tailor made for Hollywood. Franny and Dan don't have much of a relationship when you first start the book, but they do develop a freaking fantastic one towards the end. I'd call the men in Franny's life all very unique possibilities; they're all very different and thus Franny's life with either of them would be too. 

Of course, I can't review this book without mentioning Jane and Franny's unwavering friendship throughout the book. There aren't any petty fights over guys, no competing with each other, they're simply best friends who never lose sight of their friendship or themselves. I respect these characters a lot. 

I loved every second of this journey, although it was quite a short one as I finished this book in a day, but it felt like I lived all of Franny's days with her. Dan would probably describe this book much better than me, maybe add a little more flair. If I was going to try summing it up in just one sentence, I'd choose this fantastic Franny Banks quote: Dead, unknown, a cat, or Bill Cosby. 

IT'S GOING TO BE WORTH IT | POSITIVE POST #4

It's going to get hard, I won't lie. Life is a bitch and sometimes it feels like you can't go on anymore. Just remember that in the end it's going to be worth it, that if you try really hard, you'll achieve so much more than if you weren't ever challenged. You might fall a couple times, but eventually you'll get the hang of it and you'll fly. 

LET'S SUFFOCATE PEOPLE! YAY!

Because of us, youtubers, celebrities, and anyone who puts themselves & their life out there for the world to see, have to justify said life to us. That's definitely not fair. Views and followers put so much pressure on these people that they actually feel like they have to justify their lives to us. And the second they do something we don't like, we pounce.

We're mean, we pressure them, we pry into their lives even when we have no right to, we push barriers that should never be pushed, and cross lines that are drawn for a reason. We have no rights to their lives, and to claim that we do is unacceptable. 

Who cares if a couple breaks up or gets together? Who cares if two people look cute together? Who cares if someone has gained or lost a little bit of weight? We are shoving human beings into a box without air holes, not giving a damn about the fact that we're suffocating them. If we're obsessing over fictional characters, fine, they're fictional. But when it comes to real people, what the hell is wrong with us? Why on earth do we insist on suffocating these people and being utterly disrespectful?

Imagine what it's like to have people talking about and judging you 24/7. Imagine being confronted with the ridiculous ideas posed by people that just because you put a tiny portion of your life on display for others to see, that you're expected to show them every part of your life. With absolutely no respect for your wishes or privacy, they'll keep you in that box with no air holes, picking it up and shaking it around for entertainment.

POST OF SHAME

About a week ago, I made a small mistake. Or a big one, or maybe it's not a mistake at all, depending on which way you look at it. Over two days, I stuffed my face with two full boxes of Oreos. It's not my record, and I feel kind of proud of myself for eating them all, but ultimately I feel shame. How could I do this? Well, Oreos are very delicious...

Just last month I made a post about how I want to get healthier and cut out a lot of rubbish food from my diet, and then what do I go and do? Add some more rubbish food into my diet. The thing is, I bought these with the intention of having a few biscuits whenever I'm having a sugar craving or if I'm feeling shitty and want yummy food. I didn't account for Oreos being so addictive. That fact always seems to slip from my mind. You can't just have one Oreo, you've got to have at least the whole box. Come on, anything less just doesn't sound doable.

In case you were wondering, that last part was sarcasm.

TRUST ME, I'M LYING BY MARY ELIZABETH SUMMER

Julep Dupree tells lies. A lot of them. She's a con artist, a master of disguise, and a sophomore at Chicago's swanky St. Agatha High, where her father, an old-school grifter with a weakness for the ponies, sends her to so she can learn to mingle with the upper crust. For extra spending money Julep doesn't rely on her dad–she runs petty scams for her classmates while dodging the dean of students and maintaining an A+ (okay, A-) average.

But when she comes home one day to a ransacked apartment and her father gone, Julep's carefully laid plans for an expenses-paid golden ticket to Yale start to unravel. Even with help from St. Agatha's resident Prince Charming, Tyler Richland, and her loyal hacker sidekick, Sam, Julep struggles to trace her dad's trail of clues through a maze of creepy stalkers, hit attempts, family secrests, and worse, the threat of foster care. With everything she has at stake, Julep's in way over her head...but that's not going to stop her from using every trick in the book to find her dad before his mark finds her. Because that would be criminal. 

Trust Me, I'm Lying is Mary Elizabeth Summer's debut novel, filled with deceit, Russian mobs, and a little bit of romance. However, be forewarned; everything turns to shit near the end, and someone you love will die.

I enjoyed reading this book; I've not read anything like it in a long time. While Ally Carter's books are similar, Trust Me, I'm Lying is still unique and takes some crazy turns that I didn't expect from it. I really enjoyed reading from Julep's point of view, she's a very real character. She can be quite dark and seemingly selfish at the start of the book, but she's perfectly flawed, which is something I love in a character. It's a pain in the ass when your main character doesn't have any flaws, her flaws were thrown in as an after thought, or she just doesn't make sense. Luckily, Julep is a believable character and you can understand the actions she take.

The book is written in present tense, which I've never been a fan of, and I thought I'd find it extremely hard to get into this book. I was goddamn surprised when I started enjoying the book despite the tense, as it's an overall very well written book. As with any first time author, you can just sort of tell it's their first book. Sometimes it's the way they write, the words they use, the worlds they create, or just a general vibe that screams newbie. You do get that with this book, and I feel like some things can be improved. For example, Julep's inner monologue was at times ridiculously annoying, as I felt like the writer was just making her go through stages to advance the plot. Not realistic! It's definitely not an amazing book, but I thoroughly enjoyed myself.

I actually felt like I was Julep at some points during the book, I felt simply immersed in her life and whenever I put the book down I had to actually remind myself that I'm not her. Our protagonist is a con artist, and therefore has to get into character quite a bit to pull of various scams. When I read those scenes, it made me feel even more like Julep, like I was the one dressing up to pretend to administer university interviews. 

All in all, I like this book. I believe it's the first in a series, but I will not buy the next books. Either way, I do like Julep. She has flaws, strengths, she's well rounded, and I think the overall story (although the ending is a stretch) is believable. While I, personally, haven't experienced someone putting a dead rat in my locker, Julep handles it like any real person would. I also like that our teen protagonist isn't immune to a certain boy's charms, she's a teenage girl after all. 

OOD PUNS ARE THE BEST

DO YOU SEE THIS? 

DO YOU? DO YOU? 

I've always been a fan of puns; and I've made quite a few in my time. I've giggled at other people's puns, or more accurately, pushed a lot of air out through my noise really fast without changing my facial expression. Everyone should have the chance to make a wonderful pun in their lives, and this was my chance. 

It was one of those really weird group chats in which everyone likes to mention genitals a lot and keep sending each other pictures of gorgeous actors (eg. Jensen Ackles, Bundywart Cutiequack, Andrew Garfield). I love these chats, because they're unlike any other experience on the internet among friends, and you end up giggling manically by the end of the conversation. I really like it when I get a moment to shine in these chats. Whether there's an opportunity to make a hilarious pun, or sass someone, or try to be the weirdest Jesse I can be. 

My moment had finally come. The best opportunity to make the best (and one of the most overly used Doctor Who) pun I could, and I snatched it up. Afterwards, I wriggled around a little in the swivel chair (not as easy as it sounds), before dissolving into fits of giggles. I made some pretty unattractive faces, too. At least I'm prettier than the Ood, right? Right?!

GRACE'S GUIDE: THE ART OF PRETENDING TO BE A GROWN UP BY GRACE HELBIG

I've watched Grace's Youtube videos for a long time, so when I heard she was writing a book, I couldn't not buy it, you know? I was terrified that it was going to suck and I was seriously contemplating not buying this book altogether because I didn't want to be out the money. Luckily, my worries were all for naught, as I thoroughly enjoyed it! Every page was filled with laughs, anecdotes, and strange but helpful tips that will certainly help me in life–like always having deodorant with you. At. All. Times.

Grace's humour translates very well into book form, and the way she wrote it was very candid and real. I never felt like it was some prissy little shit in a suit telling me how to live my life, but rather like I was chatting with my best friend. Grace's Guide isn't a self help book or the new gospel truth (and thaaat's the gooospel truuuuuth), more so my best friend who always has hilarious stories and advice to get me through a tough time. 

The photos, Grace's mum's words of wisdom, and the little touches here and there are what makes this book different. While it is ultimately Grace's life experience and humour that makes this book the awesome book it is, I love that someone thought to add unique little tidbits that we don't see very often in 'self help books'. While I don't like to say it's a self help book, Grace herself has said it is, but I've affectionately dubbed it my best friend. It will remain so until I find an actual human best friend to replace it. Not likely. 

I try my hardest not to be biased when writing reviews, so I should probably throw some negative things in just to even it out in case anyone thinks I'm only saying good things because enjoy Grace's Youtube videos. You can definitely tell it's Grace's first book, or maybe you can't. I'm just very picky with voices and the language attributed to different characters, but as there are no characters in this book, I don't know how to critique it. I loved this book, and have even marked various pages so I can always flit back to them when I need. I don't have any real negatives, except that I definitely think Grace needs to develop her 'book voice' more, if that makes any sense. I can't really comment on that, though, as it is her first book. 

All in all, I don't have any real complaints about this book. It was bloody brilliant, and I actually laughed out loud while reading it. That is a rare thing, by the way. Any book can make me cry at the drop of a hat, but if it makes me laugh then I've got a real winner. Grace's book wasn't only funny, she also wrote about her anxiety & panic attacks, which is a really hard thing to do. She approached this topic with a comedic twist, but was candid and real and jokey about everything in a way I've not seen any Youtube personality pull off (except maybe Hannah Hart, but she's not really addressed anxiety in depth, or has she? Shit). I love Grace, and I'm so glad I found her Youtube channel all those years ago. Grace's Guide is definitely an awesome book, and I'd highly recommend you go check it out!

YOGA HURTS MY SOUL

I started doing yoga recently because I want to feel healthier and better about myself, but I'm very confused. On what planet, in what universe, in what timeline, would yoga make me feel much better? I am being very dramatic about this, because I do actually feel slightly different and calmer, but my god yoga hurts. I'd forgotten how about the constant aching of your muscles until your body gets used to the funny yoga positions, and the strain your muscles can be put through if you're not used to doing any physical activity. 

My lower stomach muscles (don't expect me to know the scientific names, that's like asking me to eat seafood - a waste of time) and my shoulder & neck are killing me. Not only that, but my soul is hurting from all the stupid yoga. I'm gonna put it out there that I'm not very fit, and while I do enjoy going for a walk/run or doing zumba, that's about the extent of my sporty endeavours. This is why I'm in so much pain; I do almost no physical activity (I'm on school holidays, as if I'd do that) and my body certainly isn't used to the strains & pains of yoga.

If it hurts so much, why don't you just quit? Yes, I could, but I'm not going to. I'm too stubborn for that, and I want to see through the 30 Day Yoga Challenge that I'm doing. I found it on youtube, and it's pretty easy to do. It's just a shame that I can't even hold plank for very long before I shake so much and have to crumple up in a heap on the floor. 

But despite all this, I'm glad I'm trying out this yoga thing. I'm trying to be a little healthier, and yoga is seriously helping with that. I'll see it through because I can't stand the idea of just giving up. Again.  Yay for yoga (or something to that effect)!

MY 2015 READING CHALLENGE

I love reading, I think that's abundantly clear to you all, or at least it definitely should be. Ever since I was little I've loved hearing and reading stories about otherworldly places, about experiences unique to my own, about people and things that I might never know more about than from the pages of a book. There's nothing else in this world that means more to me than my beloved books and the stories that are stored in my head.

What better way to prove my love and adoration for these stories than by adding more of them to my library? I can't get enough, and I never want to stop reading. However, that sounds hella unrealistic and slightly mental, so I'm setting myself a challenge. It's very manageable, especially with distractions like school and friends–oh who am I kidding? What friends? If/when I complete it, I'll feel like I've actually accomplished something. I love that feeling, and I want to feel it more often. Wait, that sounds really dodgy, doesn't it? Dammit! One post, Jesse, one post without an innuendo! 

Without further ado; 30 books in 2015. 

It sounds really simple and easy, especially now that I've actually typed it out, but I doubt I'd have time enough in the year to finish more than that. Also, I don't exactly have the cash to accommodate my crazy obsession. This year, I want to do more of what I love, so reading is at the top of my to-do list. 30 books is a small list, but I'm not bothered if it's big or small. Hehe, okay, there's another innuendo for you. I don't know why I bother avoiding the inevitable.

MECCA COSMETICA CHRISTMAS HAUL

I was a very lucky girl this Christmas; my grandma gave me a Mecca Cosmetica gift card! I hopped straight on the Mecca website on December 27th (my order arrived in 3 business days) and ordered some goddamn beautiful products that I thought I'd share with you all. Notice how I only bought four things? Yeah, that's called mega self-restraint – I'm proud of myself. Also, sorry about the iffy quality of some of the photos above, lighting is such a bitch.

NARS Radiant Creamy Concealer in Vanilla: I've been wanting this concealer ever since I got into makeup and heard of NARS. A good concealer is everything, in my opinion, so I'm absolutely thrilled to have it in my collection! This shade does have a slight pink undertone of which I'm very wary, but I've swatched it a a few times and it blends out beautifully. 

NARS Concealer in Chantilly: At the moment, Chantilly is actually the correct shade choice for me as the tan I got while on holiday has already faded. They seem to never have this shade in the Radiant concealer so I settled for Vanilla which is perfect for when I'm tanned. This particular concealer is a stick concealer, and I'm so glad to have something that matches my skin tone perfectly when I'm without a tan. 

NARS Eyeshadow Duo in Isolde: I am a lover of gold, bronze, and copper eyeshadows. This is also my very first NARS eyeshadow, and I'm in love. I've not even used it yet, but I'm already in love. We're meant to be, and I can tell it will be a life long friendship. 

Too Faced Natural Eyes Palette: I've been scouring the internet to find the perfect neutral eye shadow palette, and although I came close with Chi Chi's Nudes palette, I never quite found what I was looking for. That is, until I saw this gorgeous palette from Too Faced. It has everything I want except for a nice copper, which I found in the NARS duo. Utter perfection, and I feel very lucky to have it.

Free Samples: With every online purchase (no matter the cost), Mecca gives you the option to select three free samples to add to your basket. I chose a brightening moisturiser and anti-aging moisturiser from Talika, and another moisturiser from Malin+Goetz. I've never heard of either of these brands, so I hope the products will work with my sensitive skin!

I am absolutely thrilled with all my purchases, and I feel very lucky to have some luxury makeup in my stash. The only downside is that luxury makeup (basically any makeup that's not originaly from Australia) is usually around double the price here. I'm just incredibly glad that we have Mecca, otherwise I don't know where I'd get NARS or Too Faced products!

GOODBYE 2014, HELLO 2015

It's finally 2015, and I can honestly say that I feel such relief being able to say that. A new year, new me, new experiences, I am very ready to throw old me and 2014 out the window. To say that it's been a hard year is an understatement and a half. 

I should focus on the positives first, because my chatty posts tend to lean towards the negative side of things. I myself tend to do that also, and I would like to at least try changing that. This year, I learnt a lot about myself that I wouldn't have if my year had actually gone well. I really dislike when people preach stuff like that, because I find it slightly dishonest. In my experiences it's very hard to see a silver lining or to acknowledge that something good has come out of it, when you've been in a bad situation. I don't know if I'm wording this correctly, and I hope someone understands where I'm coming from. Don't say things just to be a role model when it's probably hypocritical. 

Anyway, let's get back on track. I've learnt that I do have my limits, even if I'm not willing to admit it to anyone but myself, a councillor, and my blog. I fancy myself Wonder Woman (but I prefer Marvel), and so it's very difficult when I've been running through this obstacle course to be faced with a wall. This is a wall that I can't get passed, and it sucks, but I had to turn around and find a different way through the obstacle course. 

Even as I talk about this wall I wish it wasn't there, I don't like having these limits to what I can and can't put myself through (particularly mentally, emotionally). I used to be that person who would do anything, no matter how emotionally or mentally straining it is, because I was strong enough to do so. I know that having limits is a good thing, and I know it's a good thing because it lets me know where I stand and I see my weaknesses, but damn it. Annoying, much?

I didn't learn about just my weaknesses, though, I learnt about my strengths as well. I'm learning how to be more honest with myself and others, and I'm finding myself. I thought I had my identity sorted out pretty well, but there's still so much else for me to do and learn before I can say that and make it 100% true.

I'm also a little glad that I pushed myself that bit too far this year, because I can finally put away the Go Go boots and cape, and relax. I'm mentally exhausted, and have only just started to gather up the pieces. Anxiety and depression really fuck you over, and they did more than stand in my way like a wall. I'm so very done with the trials of 2014, and so very ready to embrace 2015 hoping that I'll get myself back on track. I know that anxiety and depression won't ever leave me alone completely (those little shits), but I'm hoping they'll at least keep their distance. Honestly, personal space. 

I have a lot of goals in life, particularly in 2015. I know that most people write them down or maybe share them with others, but I feel like if I do that I'll never complete them. When I don't get something done, I tend to go in a downward spiral and I often find myself in a rut. I'm a driven person, but if there's a pot hole in the road you can sure as hell bet I'm just gonna set up camp near my car and I won't bother calling for someone to come help. 

So, the only goal or resolution I'm giving myself is to try. There are a lot of meanings behind this word, a lot of things that come to mind when I tell myself to just try. I don't know how I'd ever get them all down on paper or online, and maybe I will, but right now I only want to promise myself that I'll try. Specifically, try new things and try to make things better. I know that I can do almost anything if I put my mind to it (except sports, fuck sports), but I don't know if I ever want to be Wonder Woman again. It's never what I was supposed to be doing with my life, despite what 2014 Jesse thought, but who knows? Maybe 2015 Jesse will be able to pull off the cape and boots, or at least the cute head piece.